A new move....

A new move yet again, this time not sure where or how long or what I will be doing. For the first time, I’m going somewhere without a firm plan; guided only by my instinct and following my heart to be back in Asia. Recognizing the need to start anew and embrace incoming possibilities, I’m shedding away my old blog and beginning a new journey of discovery. I’ve always been an explorer, ready to try something new but never too good with sharing what I’ve been inspired by. This change represents a chance to start seeing the world afresh, live a little happier each day and grow a little wiser each step of the way too.

Here's the link to my new blog if you are interested.

www.staceyhuang.com
 

Received a shake from Sam today. But I know his words only sting because it rings truth and only because it strikes a chord within me. It's something when you don't like the way your bf talks to you recently, it's something more when you know that you're only feeling that way cause you're highly sensitive.

He's so rational and pragmatic, sometimes you just want to kick him and go REASSURE ME and listen to me and stop jumping to give me solutions or tell me how or what I should be feeling.

But if I analyse it, it's because I don't like hearing those words, I want to be coddled, I want to be treated like a child and I want someone to pity alongside with me. Well, not going to get that from him, he's made it clear. And frankly, if I were to think more clearly, it's not going to help me either.

He's damn right. As usual. I need to grow up and start owning my decisions. I need to stop worrying all the time and look at the bigger picture. I need to see that all this is going to work out and it is going exactly the way I want it to. Most importantly, I need to stop drawing my confidence and self-esteem from my work and start believing in myself again.



 

I got yelled at in the morning today at work for something that was not my fault and more to do with the incompetence of the other party. But I didn't cry.

Finished training today, I'm officially certified for 2 more psychometrics. Yay, more qualifications under my belt but completely useless if I don't get signed off. Talked to loads of people today about my problems, they all sympathised but not too much power on their end to change the circumstances. And even when I was being more forthright about my situation, I still didn't cry.

I did get "pity work" though… "oh you want some work, ok here's something small you can do for me". But I agreed to pick up their scraps cause I would rather be doing menial work than no work and still I didn't cry.

Talked to my performance manager today who looked at me with oh-so-sad-poor-thing eyes and told me it has been unlucky for me so far and that the best thing to do was wait for the situation to get better. "Unlucky" and "wait" ?!?!You've got to be kidding me. I've been proactive as hell and reaching out only to have the door close on me time and time again. But I didn't say it out cause I know a part of it is true. My timing has never been good here. Still I didn't cry.

Came back home and wished with all my heart, with every fibre of my being for me to be taken away, taken away out of this horrible place I have allowed myself to be put in. And only then, after the whole exhaustion of the day has passed, after idle small chat and closing the room door do I then allow myself to give in to the torrent of tears and grip of pure loneliness that seem to visit me each night.

Post 3 of 3: In the midst of it all, I did do many new things I'm quite proud of this week

Yes I had a crappy week at work. Yes, I have come to terms that the organisation I work for is de-humanistic in their approach to their own staff and I do not like it there.

BUT

I also went out a lot the last week, kept myself very busy and everyday, I did have something or someone who made me smile, if only a little bit more each day. And the worries of work will fade away but I guess these are the memories that will stay and still can bring a smile to my face when I think about them.

On Monday, Tina (Colleague from work) and I went to attend a psychology talk in Piccadilly circus. She found these series of interesting talks online and we just went ahead. The talk? Assertiveness for women. How not be too passive, too aggressive but striking the right balance to be assertive.

What makes me smile: I like it. It was empowering to be around women who genuinely wanted to better themselves. I did feel like part of a feminist movement though.

On Tuesday, Robert (Boss in YSC) and I went for a drink (or rather a whole bottle of wine). It's been so long since I last drank (Some of you out there should know I live with a flatmate who has sworn off Alcohol! So I've been drinking much less these last months!).

What makes me smile: We talked a lot and even though he has been a reason for my disappointment with the company, I still felt we connected back on some level.

On Wednesday, Tina and I went to yet another talk! This time, it was about the power of metaphors in business language. It wasn't my style but it did made some good points. So I learnt about how powerful metaphors are to gain more insights about an individual.

What makes me smile: Tina's silliness. She ate so much that day and she still packed food back. I was surprised at how much this small firecracker can pack so much in her. I thought I could eat. Watch her.

on Thursday, a group of people from YSC went out to a gig at Shephard's Bush. We watched 2 bands perform and I must say I was really happy and impressed. I forgot how nice music makes me feel. And it was for a good cause as well, ex-offenders had formed a band and were singing poignant songs. Tina stayed over at my place that night and we were just two girls talking in bed until we dozed off. Really nice. Sorry Sam, you're no longer the only one who I'm sleeping with.

What makes me smile: Listening to live music and remembering how much I wanna play. It made me pick up my guitar over the weekend!

Friday I went for Yoga during lunch time. Needed some exercise, I keep thinking my bf is out there skiing in Japan for a week and here I am giving in to Gluttony. I need to match up at least a tenth of what he's doing. At least. Finished a report and went out with Aoife and Tina for a very very heathly burger dinner which completely went beyond the 1000++ calories range. Then came back and watched movies with Tina before curling back to bed at 3am.

What makes me smile: Company. Reminds me i'm not alone unless I choose to be. So thanks Tina for being there for me, even though it might seem I was helping you get out of Mice situation... I enjoyed the girl chats and the crying to the pillow and the drifting in and out of sleepy conversations.

Saturday: Amazing amazing day with Dora and Felicia coming over for a spontaneous cooking dinner. I baked Salmon Fillets, made salad, Feli fried vegetables and we tucked in to good ole camembert cheese while watching the impossible Van Wilder. It was a really good evening of laughs.

What makes me smile:  Being reminded that I do have good things here in London and I do add value to people around me. I shouldn't let work define my happiness here solely.

Other good things that happened:
1) FT-ing with Ryan and he mimicking me in Happy Baby and Peek-a-boo!
2) Talking to Jie about random stuff about the future really took my mind off the present
3) Writing everyday to Sam was more for my benefit than his. I find writing therapeutic and he genuinely wants to read about my day (He may not read it in detail but I still like to believe his intention is always out of love)
4) I learnt many new songs on the guitar! I'm so going to thrash Andrew's ass when he comes back from Berlin.
5) I realised I miss my flatmate. I never thought I would but I do. He talks to me about my day and keeps me sane by talking nonsense to me. I also appreciate how much he fixes the house and make sure i'm comfortable. It's always good having a guy around the house.
6) Sam's constant FT calls with me have been my main source of stability. He grounds me and he keeps me sane. Most of all, he reminds me constantly and daily how much I am loved and worried about. He makes me feel loved despite being 10000+ miles away.
7) Church. It is extremely uplifting to be able to turn back to God and be reminded of him and how much I need to put my faith in him.

 

Post 2 of 3: And then it started going downhill for the week

Monday - 17th Feb

"Sorry to have been bugging you about my worries and woes today. Didn't mean to weigh you down, just wanted to get it off my chest as it's been circling in my head the whole day. There were many other things that were discussed during that meeting but it was quite clear she shared the same sentiments as I have about the company. In terms of its leaders, its culture, its lack of vision, its values (and lack thereof) and highlighted how harsh and extremely political it is. So, while I walked away from that meeting with a new mentor, I also had an even deeper sinking in my gut about the place I'm working in.

To add on to it, remember the silver-lining talk I had with the other leader on Friday? He mentioned he will link me up with some work? Well, someone did get in touch with me today and well.. let's just say he wasn't positive about including me and basically told me to give him time to figure out how I can work in an already crowded space.

I sat at my desk today and did something quite unbecoming… I literally started sending out emails to individual managers begging for work. Quite humbling but also quite a desperate move on my part. I can't take it down knowing I have so much more to offer."

Thursday- 20th Feb

"Just got back late again. I've been going out late every night this whole week and I am just exhausted. ...Came back home at 3.00pm cause I had a deep desperation to get away from the office and felt like I had to step out. And that's what I did. I can't explain it. I just walked out because I couldn't bear the thought of being in there.

Tina's back home with me now and she says I always look sad nowadays. :( I don't wanna be sad! Now I'm sad that I'm sad! I'm also noticing i'm starting to shut off and move away from people who are close to me. It's almost like i'm slowly starting to lose interest in anything around me now.  Gonna go to yoga tomorrow to see if I can pump some energy back into me. Maybe it's just the tiredness of the week finally catching up to me. No need to worry!"

Friday - 21st Feb

"Tina and I talked about me and she said that when i'm upset, I leak it out and I show it, even if its involuntarily. And I shut down and turn negative and see things in a pessimistic light. And then she worries for me because she can see me spiralling down quickly and she doesn't know what she can do to pull me up. I guess that may be how you feel too. Well, I don't have any answers to that but I have explanations on why I'm feeling that way. And it's because attempts to pull myself out (aka keep myself busy at work) hasn't had any response at all. You know the rice experiment I showed on fb? Well, it showed that being ignored is far worst than being bullied or loved. And that's exactly how I feel I'm being treated. Anyhow, I'll keep you updated on the progress of my career search in Asia."
 

Post 1 of 3: My Weekend last week - Copy and paste from my emails to the bf without all the mushiness

15th Feb 2014 - Last Saturday

"Had quite an eventful day! Went to gym in the morning (did weights and some circuit stuff - nothing as intense as yours!) and am now feeling the after-effects of it! Sore shoulders with tight thighs… whoop! Been carrying my laptop around town the whole day. Thought i'll be able to do stuff after the gallery but turns out, we just hung out until dinner time.

Well you would know from my exclamation-mark filled whatsapp how much I enjoyed Saatchi. Few galleries can shake me to the core and leave me in a room just speechless and absorbing the intensity of the room; gallery 15 in Saatchi Gallery is one of them. Saw it the last time and it was amazing, the use of architectural space is just incredible. The other gallery I really like was in Paris, Musee de l'Orangerie in the Water Lillies Gallery, was just absolutely filled with love the minute I walked in. (I really wanna share these 2 rooms with you one day!)

Anyhow, all those were pushed aside once I was greeted with Oysters. Despite having quite an intense lunch, I still managed to guzzle down a dozen of my beloved molluscs. Yummy. And yes, to the amazement of those around me.

We had coffee at Cote before I escaped back home cause I was desperate for me-time. Sometimes, it's just nice having myself for company. Maybe I am a secret introvert? Hmm.. I doubt it. :P"

16th Feb 2014  - Last Sunday

"Headed down to Starbucks where I enjoyed a delicious "tall-non-fat-no-whip-mocha" while updating my CV. I'm glad to say it has been updated and really looking forward to send it off to other companies now that it's done. I know I had a breakthrough in terms of talking to the management of YSC but it doesn't hurt to have other options. Also, things such as lack of opportunity to lead teams, no developmental culture, silo mentality won't change within the firm. Taking advice from you -it really doesn't hurt to see what else is out there, especially in Asia.

Went for lunch with the girls; Dora and Felicia. We had amazing korean food! I love kimchi soup! Especially big pot of kimchi soup. Then Dora and I headed straight out to church and we had a really uplifting time. It was the first time Dora experienced a happy clappy jump and dance church and she got really into it. So i'm glad I got to share my church experience with her.The sermon was really relevant again too… it talked about being in the midst of transitions and how you can feel lost and isolated in London. (yup, something I can definitely relate to).

Wanted to cook tonight, Andrew was at home the whole day so I just cooked while he played the guitar. I boiled chicken to make chicken stock, then added radish, chinese cabbage, carrots to make the soup sweet. Ooh it was so good and so sweet and sooo healthy. Andrew didn't fancy it too much though, he thought it smelled nice but tasted bland. Like you, he added salt into the soup. Hmph.  But my next dish which was grilled chilli chicken turned out to be really yummy! I had absolutely no idea what I was doing! I mixed a bunch of different sauces into the marinade, cooked it in the oven without checking what the right temperature should be (I guessed 170) or how long it should be in there (I guessed 50 minutes). Everything worked out well anyway! It was a success! So yup, that was my night. "

Weekend

It's been quite a good weekend. Spent the day chilling and reading books, rediscovering my love for fiction. I'm tired of reading about books that revolve around leadership, psychology and change. So finished a book called "the woman who went to bed for a year". I didn't really like it. It didn't have a happy ending. Poo. I was so hoping for a happy ever after.

Oh well. It was a good 4 hours sitting on my sofa while Corrinne May was playing in the background.

Then went to Stockwell for a house gathering at Tina's where we drank and played games. All good. Must be getting old, I was one of the first to leave cause I wanted to get the last tube back. And truthfully, the jokes and topic of discussion was getting too distasteful for my liking. You know how when you were young, saying the word poo, bum or pee made you laugh. Now when you are older, it seems the topics that will make everyone laugh include: racism, gays, sex, rape, pedophiles, Jews, USA and Iraq/Afghan. Was funny at first, but after many rounds, it just got tiring and rude (even alcohol didn't make it any better). Or maybe this is just a part of British humour I do not get.

Sunday was quite eventful. Went to gym in the morning. For the first time in a year and half I stepped into a gym room! After an hour, rushed to church which delivered quite a powerful and relevant sermon. It was good. Hanged out with Felicia all afternoon where we stuffed ourselves with awesome food from Ape and the Bird (i think thats the name). We had scotch egg, mushrooms penny bun, cod fish and mussels chowder. Ending off with a sticky toffee pudding. Yummy. The hilarious part of the meal was when there was a mother carrying her baby and sat down next to us. She put her baby down, turned to the waiter and went: " one glass of wine. a LARGE glass." Haha, yes i think that would be me next time.

Feli and I spent the afternoon chatting away and planning our glorious plans for the future. What would we like to do, where would we like to go etc. It was nice dreaming up and making lists. It's been a good day.

Right, gonna curl back up and start reading another book. Cant believe the weekend is over. it's back to work tomorrow.

Keeping it going

So the thought of going home has been cheering me up. Besides stuffing myself silly with steamboat tom yum soup and everything delicious, finally coming back and experiencing chinese new year after missing last years is quite uplifting.

Oh I'm going to have such a good time! Packed my days filled with lotsa activities and food.

And... I do have two boys I wanna kiss. :)

Worst Week

Just experienced my worst week at work.

Don't wanna talk about it, already talked loads about it and also cried loads about it. Main thing is its going to take me awhile more to get back on my feet and feel more confident of myself. But i'll get there. Eventually.

Looking forward to having a week back in Singapore and taking a break. I really need the comfort of family.

Pondering

I guess when you do finally get a moment to think to yourself... you start wondering: What am I really working for and who am I really working so hard for?

Am I really in the right place?

Am I really doing the right thing?

If things go pear-shape, will I or will I not regret the decisions that have got me to this point so far?

Maybe it's the guitar in the house, I'm remembering a song I wrote when I was 14:

"People look at you, they smile and they say
How everything's going your way
Heaven seems to be smiling down on me
Laughing at this irony

Can you please tell me
The meaning of this life?
Besides my faith, what can I do to stay alive?
I can't find purpose in anything I do
O Lord, can you tell me
O Lord, can you please say?
What more have I got to do
For me to be saved?

Sometimes I wonder the way life goes
Like the wind that flows in the breeze
It is so unpredictable, yet so understandable
So why do I feel so weak?"

Professionally satisfied week

A few weeks ago, I was upset because it didnt seem like the company was giving me a chance. That got me bummed because where previously, Accenture always took a chance on their people and they develop talent by throwing them into the deep end. Here, it seemed like everyone was keeping me from the deep end, and seem content to see me waddle in the shallow pool.

This week, due to client requests and a lack of available resources, I was given an opportunity to go solo and showcase what I have learned and deliver an end-to-end service for a client. I was quite thrilled to be given a chance and for the company to take a risk on me. Im also genuinely glad that I didn't fall and survived this "test". I really did enjoyed myself and I received good feedback as well.

It's still not over, there's still some loose ends to tie and a follow-up required. But all in all, I must say it's been a jolly good week.

On friday, I felt like I had finally reached the maximum I could stretched as I was devoting myself intellectually, emotionally and physically to the company. Sleeping late nights, working early mornings, eating irregularly, delivering interviews and writing reports at an urgent almost feverish pace. And finally, responding timely to clients and their needs - to be honest, I was desperate for the weekend to come and for some decent rest. On Friday, was told by HR they have finally gotten my visa license approved and i now need to apply for it. That threw me a curveball because on top of my busy week, I had to somehow squeeze in time to sort out my visa. After going through ridiculous hoops and searching online, the earliest I can get my visa (which is all the way in Croydon - which is 1 hr away from London) is on the 28th January. And in  between then, i still have to somehow arrange for all sort of papers to be organized and sent through. That means as of mid next week, it is illegal for yours truly to work in UK.

Sigh. What a way to end the week at work. Regardless, it was a good week at work and I did have lots of social events during this week too. Finally saw a stand up comedy in London (it was really funny) and went dancing on Friday night. :)

Glad I spent my Saturday lazing around. It's back to work tomorrow to tie up those loose ends. Maybe I can fit in a yoga session and/or church tomorrow too. This is my paradox isnt it, when its busy, I want it to be less busy. When it is not busy, I find ways to make it busy. 

New Year at Rio

Rio was many things, we saw Christ the Redeemer, the Sugar Loaf mountain, jumped off cliffs but if I were to sum down the ONE moment that meant alot to me... i know it's weird.. but it's definitely when we went around Copacabana trying to get decent internet so Sam can finish his compliance training before 2014 came. (As I said, I know it's weird)

Why? Well, a combination of many things. We were a little annoyed with some morning disturbance and Sam then received a serious letter from his boss (who messaged him on both his company and private email) telling him to get his training completed within the next 2 hours. It was then a scramble to:
- Log in which Sam got locked out of after repeated attempts
- Call the company to get password reset only to get the phone cut off because he had reached his overseas limit
- Used my phone to call the company back and wait for password to be reset
- Log back in only to discover we could not do it via our ipad (because of some shitty Apple settings)
- Change to get out of the apartment and went looking at nearby hotels for business centers.
- Only to be told it is only for house guests
- Redirected to an internet cafe where we sat in there and pressed ONE button
- And that was all he needed to do. ONE BUTTON.

But we got it done. And I know I wasn't much help but I still like to think we got it solved together. And we did it in a partnering, constructive manner. Kinda made me feel we can overcome lotsa things just  being there for each other. And you must admit, going all the way to Rio to do compliance training. Only Sam can achieve that.

Anyway, other interesting bits about the Rio trip. I tasted Acai berry in a yogurt smoothie format which is much better than the ones they have in Singapore. 

Sam and I went hang gliding. How amazing was it to just jump off the cliff harnessing the power of the wind and flying through the air. Thrilling.

The beach was really cool. I have never truly been on a beach holiday where i spent alot of time on the beach. This was really all about drinking coconut, eating fried cheese, dipping in and out of the ocean and kicking back with some beers and caipirinha. 

Having traveled with my bf to quite a few places, we were pretty much on the same wavelength on how we wanted to spend our time there, which consisted of a fair amount of sightseeing and activities and just soaking in the local culture. Some parts of the trip might have been dampened by external company but we did not let it affect us too much. At the end of it, we knew who we could count on and a little more thankful for each other.

We ventured around on our own quite a bit during the 6 days and having those moments where it was just the 2 of us in a foreign land are truly quite special to me. We do somehow get along so well, it's unbelievable. Below are just some shots we took as we walked around Rio.

Coconut is quite popular there. 

So was champagne.

 And Caipirinhas too of course.

 We ate lots of sushi, apparently lots of Japanese immigrants there.

Well, it was a fantastic trip despite me being sick and lethargic for most of the trip. Every alternate days, I swung between feeling sick to feeling energetic but crumbling at night. Sam did a great job going at my pace and even took care of me at night. 

And of course, what a better way to end off the trip than to get upgraded to first class on the way back! It's awesome having a bf who is so respected in the BA airline arena. Woo hoo!

It's hard to imagine it's only been one week back at work

What I thought was going to be a dry and boring week turned out to be quite eventful!

At work, lots of traction being made, lot's of progress in some areas and a need for me to throw myself into the deep end and swim fast baby. Couldn't sleep last night cause I'm worried about running my own show tomorrow. Fairly senior people and almost like a test for me. I have faith in my abilities, just not sure if I have enough ability for such an important client. I guess if people have confidence in me, I should have more confidence in myself!

Outside of work, I've really been going out ALOT more than usual. Went out with the girls on Monday, flatmate on Wednesday, Min Joo on Thursday, birthday dinner on Friday, Sam's friends on Saturday and now, cooking an Asian feast for my friends for a little house party.

What's on the menu? Ba kut teh, chicken rice, broccoli with prawns, maybe dumplings, maybe mapo tofu. Not sure yet. Either way, I started cooking since 9 in the morning so everyone better be hungry!

The ikea people delivered my shelves and mirror today but I have no idea they were just going to leave me to assemble it on my own. Me? The girl who can't even open a door with her keys. Sam was quite amused when he saw me (via FT) wailing on the floor, completely clueless about the nuts and bolts of random sticks of furniture. Great.

Need to find some way to relax and not worry about tomorrow!!! So scared!!!!! but excited!!!! It's good to throw yourself into new challenges, it's the trepidation before that I don't really like. Oh well, wish me all the best! Pray for me people.


 

Re-living london once again

Seems strange after being here for one year, knowing the streets relatively well and having pockets of friends around that I can still feel like a stranger here, still experiencing new things.

Moving to a completely new place, seems like I have to re-acquaint myself to many things in London all over again. See things differently. Oxford street to me is no longer a busy place I need to avoid on weekends, it's pretty much now my neighborhood. Having a postcode that starts with W means I am officially living in the west of London and should shed my east-london skin. At night, when I'm used to the quiet sounds of the alley street, I now need to get used to sirens, bar noises and the occasional traffic that passes through.

I feel more adventurous this time around. I have come to terms with the fact that I need to find my own space here, find my own happiness and start afresh in terms of activities. Knowing that I am truly, irrevocably on my own has given me a renewed independence and sense of freedom to explore and start re-discovering things I may enjoy indulging in.

Take tonight for instance, the first Monday of the year... coming back home after a full day of work, spontaneously arranged dinner with the girls from work, had a lovely dinner conversation of giggles and laughs talking about boys and what-ifs, traipsing home in a tipsy manner smiling and singing as I enter my new apartment, chatting with my room-mate and feeling at the end of the day that I am truly one happy girl. Then slipping into my bed, smiling because someone on the other end of the world is gonna give me a call any second now. :)